A few months ago, I wrote a blog post about the trauma that i’ve been through this year (you can read it here), but what I didn’t know then, was that this year was soon to get a whole lot worse. This truly has been the worst year of my life, and I don’t think any year in the future will be able to top it.
One month ago, my husband left me and ended our marriage. It was only last week that things were moved, finalised and I saw him for the last time; so things are understandably very raw. I wanted to write this post to explain why I haven’t been as active or as cheery on social media, and just to fill you in on what has happened in my life.
I did not want to split up from my husband and I wish it had never happened. Sadly, it is what he wanted and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried my best to get him to change his mind and rethink, but he was set in what he wanted to do.
I met my husband in 2008 and married in 2009. He was my first serious relationship, and was 13 years older than me. I loved him instantly, and I still love him so very much. My head nor my heart seems to be able to process the end to a 9 year relationship / 8 year marriage, and the fact that we were about to spend our 10th Christmas together, makes this ending all the more sad.
To say I am devastated is an understatement. I have never cried so much in my life. If there was anything I could have done to keep us together, I would have done it. I’ve forgotten how to live life without the support of my husband. Whether I was physically with him or not, I always felt that presence alongside me, and now it’s not there.
Along the way, we did have problems in our marriage (who doesn’t?); but fundamentally, I thought we were solid. I thought nothing could break us. We were like those ‘smug marrieds’ from Bridget Jones. I was naive and I never thought this could happen to me.
After this terrible year, I needed my husband more than ever this Christmas, but he doesn’t want to be with me and that cuts my heart like a knife. Every day over the last month has been different, but none have been better than me just managing to physically get through the day. It was only last week that my brain saw there was no hope, and it killed me. I thought he had my back. I thought I could tell him anything and he would be behind me – this solid, safe wall.
I don’t know how to live anymore, and sometimes I don’t even want to. I’m 33 and I’ve been with him since I was 24 – that’s a real, fundamental period of someone’s life. I thought i’d be with him forever. I want to thank all of you for all your kind tweets and private messages – each one has meant such a lot to me. I haven’t decided yet to what extent I am going to ‘do’ Christmas this year, but whatever I do, I know I have so much support and that really warms my heart.
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